How to Ease the Pain & Expense of Divorce
The breakup of a marriage is a painful and emotional process. It is, in many ways, the worst time to make smart decisions affecting your future. Yet it is important that you do so. The decisions you make now can profoundly affect your life, and the lives of your children, for years to come.
There are ways to reduce the pain and expense of divorce, so you can concentrate on making smart decisions. This article will cover several of those methods. Unfortunately, too many people fail to take advantage of these options. They let their emotions get the better of them, and later find themselves in a less favorable position when the process is over. They also spend way too much money getting there. Only the attorneys get rich that way.
It is important to note at the beginning that using these methods does not mean you are giving up and letting your spouse win. On the contrary, this article will tell you how important it is to fight when you need to, for things that are important. But you should hope to avoid the need to fight. These methods will allow you to try that, and will keep control where it belongs – with you.
We have been practicing family law for more than 30 years. We speak from experience. Every person should consider using these less painful methods to get through a divorce. However, they may not be appropriate for every situation. A good attorney will consider these methods in light of your particular situation, and be able to advise you on the proper course for your case. Be sure to read “Our Most Important Advice” on the right side of this page.
In general, the bottom line on divorce is this: if you and your spouse cannot agree to resolve the issues between you, it will be done in Court by a Judge who never met you before. That is unpredictable and expensive. You will have little control over that process. It is always better to retain as much control of your situation as possible. These methods allow you to do that.
The first two points we discuss are not even true methods of resolving your case. They involve your mind set and choices you make before you even begin the process. Yet they are the most important aspects of resolving a divorce with less pain and expense.
Your Mind Set
The first thing you can do to reduce the pain of your divorce involves yourself and your mind set. You must have the right attitude towards your case and your future in order to make these methods work. There are three major components to building that mind set.
First, you must be ready to think about the long term. No matter how bad things look now, and no matter how painful it is now, you will one day be happy and healthy again. You will get through this. How well off you will be then depends on what you do now. Be prepared to take the actions now that will put yourself in the best position when the process is over. Those who think short term are likely to make decisions based on their emotions, instead of their best interests. Try to make yourself think five years ahead, instead of five minutes ahead.
Secondly, resolve yourself to be productive and businesslike. That is not easy now. The urge to fight back is sometimes overwhelming. But it may not be the best method to reach your goals. Your goal for a future happy life is the most important. Do not allow yourself to forget that when the going gets tough.
Third, you have to know exactly what is important and what is not. You must be willing to fight, if necessary, for what is important to you and your children. And you should be willing to negotiate things that are not. Make a list of things you consider very important to your future and discuss that list with your attorney. Always keep your long term goals in mind while navigating the divorce process. Next, make a second list of things you would like, but which may not be worth a knock down, drag out fight. These items are nice, but not critical to your future. These are items you can negotiate.
Building this mind set is extremely important if you have children from the marriage. Your children will unavoidably be affected by the relationship between you and your spouse during this trying time. And you will be forced to deal with your spouse in the future. You will at least need a businesslike relationship for future graduations, weddings, and the like. How manageable that relationship will be depends largely on actions you and your spouse take now.
Your Choice of Attorney
It is important to select the right attorney if you want to ease the pain and expense of divorce. Many people make the mistake of thinking they need a cutthroat divorce lawyer. That is almost always the wrong choice. Your lawyer will dramatically affect the chances of the case resolving favorably. Some lawyers make a lot of money by never working things out, and always letting the Judge decide. This is an expensive choice - both financially and emotionally. More fighting = more money in attorney’s fees. That is why certain attorneys encourage it.
But you must have a lawyer who will fight for you when it is necessary. If your spouse is going to be difficult, then Court may be the only option. You need an attorney who will try to use some of the following methods, but will fight if your situation calls for it. You can then feel confident that by attempting the methods described here, your attorney has your best interests (not his or her own financial interests) at heart.
The best divorce attorneys are tough but reasonable. They will keep your goals in mind during negotiations, and be willing to go to Court if an agreement cannot be reached. But they will also be reasonable and will encourage you to be reasonable. Judges know the reputations of various attorneys, and treat them (and you) accordingly. If you want to be treated reasonably, you should retain an attorney who is known to be reasonable.
Also keep in mind how important it is to hire an attorney who regularly practices in the local courts. Your attorney should know what the local Judge is likely to do in your situation, so you can tell if you will get a better deal in Court than what your spouse is offering.
Separation Agreement
The cleanest and easiest way to get through a divorce is to make it “uncontested”. This means the parties have resolved all of the issues between them. Formal Court proceedings are still necessary, but Court now becomes quick, easy, and less expensive. The hard part, of course, is resolving the issues first. To do that, you and your spouse can enter into a Separation Agreement.
A Separation Agreement is simply a contract between you and your spouse that covers all the legal issues raised by your divorce. It covers assets and debts, the house, the kids, visitation schedules, etc. It can be as detailed as you like. At the end of the process, the Court will adopt the Separation Agreement into its order, giving it the force of any other Court Order. It will have exactly the same effect as a Court Order given to a couple who spend three days in trial having a knock down, drag out fight. You can enforce it the same way if it is violated later. But the Separation Agreement keeps the decision making power where it should be - with you.
An attorney is vital if you are going to enter into a Separation Agreement. This is a contract like any other, and it must have certain items in it to be valid and enforceable. You must be sure to cover all of the important issues. Your attorney will know which issues should be covered, and will be sure to address them in the agreement.
Your attorney will discuss the options with you, help you make decisions that are in your best interests, and then write a proposal that will be sent to your spouse or their attorney. Negotiations will occur. If an agreement is reached, your attorney will draw it up, supervise the execution, and be sure the Court adopts it in the final Order.
Four Way Meeting
Sometimes it can be productive for the parties to meet, along with their attorneys, to nail down the details of a Separation Agreement. This usually occurs when the parties have reached the broad outlines of a deal, but need to work out the details. Everyone shows up ready to do business, and with the protection of, and instant access to, their attorney. As long as everyone stays reasonable, these meetings can be very productive. This is another reason your choice of attorney is important. Attorneys who can work together can make these meetings go very well for you. If your attorney does not work well with others, this can be a waste of time.
Mediation
An increasingly popular method of settling domestic situations is mediation. Courts love it, and often order it in domestic cases. Mediation involves one or more meetings between the parties and a trained mediator. This is not always a lawyer, but is someone who has received extensive training in mediating disputes among couples. Even if you think there is no hope of reaching an agreement with your spouse, mediation can sometimes be productive. The mediator is trained to put the parties in a mind set that makes agreement possible. Even the most angry spouse can be made to understand the value of a mediated agreement, if your mediator is skilled.
A mediator will play “middle man” between you and your spouse in discussing terms of a possible agreement. If successful, an agreement will be reduced to writing and your attorney will draw it up just like a Separation Agreement. You will have to show up for the sessions with the mediator, and you will usually have to pay ½ of the mediator’s fee.
Although you do not need an attorney to go through mediation, you will find one valuable before and after the process. You will always need to know what the law says about a certain issue, and what the Court is likely to do in your situation. An attorney will tell you if the agreement is fair, compared to what you would likely win in Court. An attorney will still be needed to draw up the agreement.
Conclusion
If you have read this article and want to ease the pain of your divorce, you should discuss these ideas with your attorney. We have helped shepherd thousands of people through their divorce. We know the process, and we know the local courts. We are known as tough but reasonable. We encourage you to explore ways to reduce the pain and expense of divorce, but we stand ready to fight for you if the situation calls for it.
Regardless of who you choose as your attorney, we hope you are successful in getting through the process with less pain and expense. We know from experience that by doing so, you will be happier and healthier in the long run.
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